


Of Pineapples and PAs

by ThaliaClio



Series: Demons and Playmates [5]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Psych, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: "potentially dangerous", JARVIS and Shawn are buddies, Pepper is suspicious, Routine, Shawn where is your shirt, Terrible 80s movies references, Tony is amused, pineapple omelets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 02:50:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThaliaClio/pseuds/ThaliaClio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pepper Potts is not Molly Ringwald. Tony Stark secretly likes pineapples. Shawn Spencer wins a bet. JARVIS is a criminal. None of these are the point of this story. Alternatively titled “Lawyers Don’t Have to Deal with This Shit”.</p><p>We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours. - Unknown</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Pineapples and PAs

Pepper Potts is a smart woman. She knows when Tony is hiding things from her, even after only working for him for six months.

She can still hear her mother's voice in her ear when she told her about her new line of employment.

_"You're a babysitter, Virginia. You could've been a lawyer. But now you're just a babysitter. Why don't you come home - finish that law degree?"_

Tony Stark was everything the tabloids claimed he was, except for when he wasn't. He drank, but not as much as the _National Enquirer_ made it seem. He went to parties, but not as many as _Comsopolitan_ claimed. But he _was_ hiding something. Something every first Friday night to Sunday night of the month.

So one day she makes an unannounced visit to his Malibu home, hoping to catch him doing _something_. An affair of some kind with somebody important is her best plausible guess. Building a time machine is a close second, though.

So when she walks into the kitchen at noon on a Saturday, Louboutin’s clicking against the tile, she isn’t surprised to see a shirtless twenty-something standing in Tony Stark’s kitchen, rummaging through the refrigerator. She is surprised, however, to find that the twenty-something had stubble. And muscle.

She blinks.

"Uh-hem,” she clears her throat, carefully masking her surprise.

“Just one second, Claire,” a decidedly amused voice comes from the fridge, words a little bit slurred as though he had his mouth full. “I know you dehydrate easily, but you’re just going to have to give me a second.”

Pepper’s brain short-circuits.

“Aaaaaaand I’m back.”

The man straightens, and Pepper’s brain short-circuits again.

His grey sweatpants are slung low on his hips, MIT printed in faded letters down one leg, the v of his muscles highlighted by the loose fabric, and his complete lack of a shirt showcases the kind of whipcord muscle that comes with youth. His hair is sandy and wild, pairing with his stubble to make him look fresh off the beach. His face was angular but not sharp, and a wide smile split it. He squints at her when she doesn’t respond, and the smile fades as he plucks a piece of yellow fruit out of his mouth, but the amusement remains, eyes crinkled at the corners.

He’s _very_ attractive.

“Ms. Standish?” His tone is overly formal and overtly sarcastic.

Pepper’s brain finally comes back online, and she flushes as she tries to regain her dignity.“My name is Ms. P—“

“Virginia ‘Pepper’ Potts,” the man waves a hand dismissively, looking down to the island which is now laden with food. “No fun at all.”

“If you know who I am, then wh-“

“You’re a pretty red-head,” he cuts her off again. “I like 80s movies.”

And suddenly the name makes sense. Pepper narrows her eyes. “Did you just compare me to Molly Ringwald?”

He looks up and smiles widely, the sheer charisma of the expression making her blink again.

“Omelet?” He suddenly says.

She scrunches her brow at the turn of conversation, but it smooths out once she notices what exactly is on the counter.

_Eggs. Butter. Cheese. Peppers. Onions. Tomatoes. Mushrooms…_

“Pineapple?” She asks incredulously.

“Sure!” The man replies cheerfully, cracking eggs into a clear glass bowl. “Pineapple goes good with everything. Normal people take it on the side – heathens. But pineapple is all. Pineapple is breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It can be incorporated in-“

“The pineapple monologue again?”

Pepper whirls around to see Tony slouched against the wall, dressed similarly to his _houseguest_ , plus a faded concert shirt.

“People don’t understand,” the man gripes over the sound of whisking eggs. “I must spread the liturgy of the word of the Church of the Pineapple.”

Tony shakes his head fondly, a smile on his lips, and Pepper’s brain short-circuits again. This is the first time she has ever seen her new boss smile without a trace of sarcasm or cruelty or mocking. Not in six months has he looked genuinely happy.

"Are those my pants?" Tony sounds... amused.

"Mine had singe marks on them," the man makes a face, then looks pointedly at Tony's hair. "Your bed head looks like mine did at that Red Hot Chilli Peppers Concert at Woodstock '99."

Tony _pouts_ and runs a hand through his hair, which does, admittedly, look more touseled than is fashionable. "Stow it, Beach Boy. I've seen your hair from high school - long hair does not suit you, my friend. And an earring? Really?"

The man opens his mouth to reply, but Pepper finally finds her voice again.

“Uhm…” She begins, oh so intelligent.

Tony seems to notice her presence for the first time, and the smile that had bloomed at the man's indignant expression dims just a hint, and she feels a twinge of hurt at that.

“Pep!” His voice is cheerful, but less so than mere moments ago -- more of the false enthusiasm and sarcasm that she's grown to expect. “More papers or more meetings?”

“Uhm…”

“Tony. Tones. Tone. _Ton_ es of Fun.” The man babbles, sounding suspiciously like a five-year-old. “Pineapple – yes or no?”

“I am so proud of you for asking first,” Tony’s eyes flick towards the man, fondness creeping back into his voice. “As a reward, I grant you free reign of my kitchen.”

“Suck iiiiiiit,” the man cheers, tossing a fist in the air, bowl of eggs sloshing dangerously as he does some kind of victory dance. “I win!”

Tony blinks and then laughs, loud and genuine. “Did you make a bet with J?”

_“Indeed, sir. Mr. Spencer wagered that he would convince you to permit him to “do whatever the hell” he wishes. I disagreed.”_

Pepper winces ever the slightest at JARVIS’ mechanically British voice. It – _he_ – unnerves her. The stranger in the kitchen clearly lacks the same compunctions.

“Freeeeeeeeeedom!” Shawn crows dramatically, and Pepper feels like she’s missing something when Tony giggles. “And now Clue here owes me—“

 _“I must expunge Mr. Spencer’s criminal record, sir.”_ Even JARVIS is amused.

Pepper’s eyes widened at “criminal record”. Her brain officially comes back online – hopefully for good – and shifts into PR mode.

“Excuse me,” she interrupts the banter before it can continue, clipped and business-like. “But I have to speak with Tony privately for a moment.”

Tony’s eyes narrow at her, but he nods and stands upright, pushing off the wall. The man – Mr. Spencer – turns to the stove and waves a hand over his shoulder.

“I’m still putting the pineapple in yours!” He calls out as Pepper follows Tony out of the kitchen, heels _click click_ ing just a shade too loud.

Tony doesn’t say anything until they’re in the living room with a thick wall firmly between them and the kitchen and neither does Pepper.

“Okay,” he begins, his voice low and a little angry. “What? I know I have nothing scheduled for today because I always take the first weekend of the month off. For the past two years. For the past six months, definitely.”

Pepper purses her lips as she examines Tony’s face. The lines around his mouth are tight and his eyes are narrowed, but he looks better than usual. Better-rested. Happier, underneath the frustration, she thinks. But all she can hear is _criminal record_.

“Criminal record?” She asks, crossing her arms and raising one eyebrow.

“I have one, too,” he points out, twitching one brow up as well. “And that didn’t answer my question. Why are you here, Pep?”

She debates between the truth and a lie. “I thought you were hiding something potentially damaging. Turns out I was right.”

The frustration turns to anger, and the brow falls back down into a scowl. “There are a lot of things in my life that are _potentially damaging_ – most of them are things I enjoy – but Shawn is not one of them.”

She stands calmly as she listens. “You have a shirtless criminal cooking pineapple omelets in your kitchen two days before our next PR meeting, and you don’t think it’s _potentially damaging_?” The last words come out in a hiss.

“No.” The word is sharp and clear. “Now, if that will be all, Ms. Potts, I think it’s time for you to leave.”

Pepper leans back a little a peers at him, pursing her lips. He’s completely serious. If she doesn’t leave, he will make her. Pepper realizes she stepped on one of her employer’s many landmines, and swallows, immediately running through ways to smooth this over and still get the _criminal_ out of the kitchen.

“In your PA’s defense, I am all of those things,” a voice from the doorway makes her jump, Her head whips around to see the man – Mr. Spencer, Shawn, Shawn Spencer; she files away the name for future research ( _if JARVIS leaves anything behind_ ) – standing in the doorway, bowl of eggs in hand. “She forgot devilishly handsome and chef extraordinaire, but potentially damaging is probably one the kinder things official-types have said about me.”

Pepper’s cheeks flush just a little.

Tony sighs. “Shawn…”

"And my 'criminal' record" -- he throws air quotes around criminal -- "is arbitrary. And almost as dumb as fat free whipped cream." Shawn shrugs. “And potentially damaging -- Tony, we did blow up the back half of the lab last night. _Potentially damaging_ is a nice way of putting things.”

 _"DUM-E is still putting out the fires,"_ JARVIS adds.

Pepper pinches the bridge of her nose when Tony laughs.

“Omelet?”Shawn asks brightly.

She should have listened to her mother. Lawyers don’t have to deal with this shit.

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the first actual story in the series, even if it's not the first chronologically. It was just the first idea I had.
> 
> Let me know what you think.


End file.
